SORRY, NO KIDS ALLOWED

By Sha, Amsterdam, The Netherlands.

When I was a student, I worked part-time for a tier one law firm. I worked with the toughest attorneys in the business. They were ruthless, had no compassion whatsoever and were therefore very straightforward. Like I mentioned, I was a student and was definitely not used to being so direct with people. I was an assistant to one of the partners. I would do case work but was also appointed to do administrative work. For example, I was in charge of his schedule and would send emails on his behalf. 

While I was working on a project, the attorney I worked for asked me to send the newest version of the draft to our colleagues (let's call her Amanda). Amanda was a junior associate, she was about 28 years old and just started working for the firm a couple of months ago. Prior to joining our firm, she was a lawyer at another firm for 2 years and still had to prove herself at our firm. 

Usually, I sent the drafts by responding to the last email in the project. So I searched for the email in the partner's inbox. I typed her name in the search bar and opened the first email that popped up. It wasn't the right email. It was actually a response to the partner's RSVP. Amanda invited him to a summer garden party. 

He responded with: "Sounds lovely,  I'll be there with my wife and 3 of our 5 children".

Her response was: "Sorry, no kids."

    I was shocked! Totally flabbergasted. This guy is practically her boss, he is about 20 years older and she just rejected his kids! You have to understand, law firms have a hierarchy and you have to be polite to the seniors in order to get case work and grow within the firm. And she had the guts to basically say no to one the people who decides about her future at the firm. I wouldn't have dared to say no, at least not like that. I would have talked to him in person and just said we weren't counting on kids for this party. I guess that wasn't her style and she felt secure enough to answer with: "Sorry, no kids". I never saw his response and I wasn't invited to the party so I have no idea if he went. But that email has lived in my head, rent free ever since.

I was young and didn't have children, I had no idea how it felt to be invited to something without my children. Also, in my culture children are always welcome to come along. Engagement party's, weddings, baby showers have always been packed with kids running around. I mean if it's a bachelor party or a frat party I wouldn't expect kids but almost every other occasion definitely. 

Two years ago, one of my closest friends, Adam (not his real name), was planning his wedding. The invitation stated "no kids". My son was one, it wouldn't be the first time I would have to leave him for a couple of hours with someone else, so I had absolutely no issue with going out without him. However, it was strange that Adam wouldn't want my child there. I showed my husband the invite and he said don't worry about it, Adam is not excluding our son. My husband has been friends with Adam since they were 5 years old. 

A couple of days after receiving the invite Adam dropped by our house, as usual with a small gift for my son and was playing with him. 

At that point my husband said: "Hey, we got the invite in the mail."

Adam: "Cool, we finally agreed on the date. Just 2 months to go."

My husband: "We saw it says no kids."

Adam: "Yeah, my fiancé doesn't want kids to attend the wedding."

The conversation was over. No: "Of course YOUR child is welcome". Or "That's just so all the people my parents invited won't bring their kids." Or any other kind of explanation why we can't bring him. It's was very clear kids are not welcome. 

To be honest, it did offend me. It seemed like he wasn't as good of a friend as I thought he was. I didn't want to fuss, I know how stressful a wedding can be. It is their wedding and they get to decide how they want things done. I simply told my husband that he should go without me. My husband was one of the best men and had obligations. I, on the other hand, had no obligation to go and preferred staying with my son. It just didn't feel right for me to go. My husband understood and went to the wedding without me. I ended up having a great day with my son, I also didn't feel like I missed out on anything. 

My husband was honest with Adam when he asked where I was. "Sha wanted to stay at home with our son" and Adam responded "I understand". 

No hard feelings, Adam is still one of our closest friends and he still loves both of our kids. Luckily, nothing has changed between us.

That experience however, did change my thoughts on invites. Now, I always check if kids are welcome before I RSVP and then I decide if I want to go. Most of the time I prefer being with my kids. 

How did you react the first you heard that kids aren't invited? Do you think I overreacted by not going to Adam's wedding? Do you invite kids to your events and are you as straightforward as Amanda?

Tell me about your experience in the comments!

I hear crying, gotta run!